I am currently sitting in my kitchen with my flatmate Tom, eating porridge while my beef stew sloooooow cooks (I think it’s ruined, Tom thinks that it’s just not been cooked long enough. We shall see). [Wrote this about 3 hours ago, it’s ok, in fact it’s delicious, and I have had a lovely, lovely evening.] We’re listening to music and watching random Youtube videos and it’s fab. It’s really, really good. After feeling so shitty for so long it’s lovely to be feeling relatively normal again.
Things that are making me happy and/or have got me through the last few weeks:
1) My friends. I have amazing friends. I don’t see them enough, but I have been seeing them more recently and this is a good thing because they are fantastic people. They are beautiful, kind, supportive hunks of love. Just over a week ago, three of us we were supposed to be going to Applefest to eat hog roast, drink cider and listen to bands, and we’d been planning it since MAY. It was going to be a little nostalgic throwback to the summer, with its glittery, beautiful, blurry festival ways. It was cancelled due to bad weather though and we were all gutted. But instead we had a film-watching, BBQ shack-eating (pulled pork! YAYYYY), amaretto hot chocolate-drinking evening and it was still brilliant. Topics of conversation ranged from dignity in dying, Garrett Hedlund’s (perfect, perfect) arse, whether long eyelashes on a man means he’s gay, Great British Bake Off and how Paul Hollywood is strangely attractive (I think I said something along the lines of “He looks like he’d just throw you onto the bed and fuck your brains out”), eating your placenta after birth, and merino wool, specifically merino wool thongs. We laughed and laughed and laughed for so long. I know the best people. And I love them. They appear to love me too! I am very, very lucky.
2) Great British Bake Off. Ok so I know that I’m not the only one obsessed with it. But. It’s AMAZING. Why is it so amazing? Well, I don’t tend to watch television. I watch Holby, and that’s it, really…all my shows are ones that are a few years old, at least, or ones that I watch online. So I generally don’t have that thing with other people where you all watch the same thing at (roughly) the same time and discuss it and wait eagerly for the next episode. And it’s a journey, watching these people bake, and get better, and fuck up, and form friendships along the way, and you’re following them through it all and it’s exciting. Genuinely. (Don’t tell me to get out more because that’s all I’ve been doing recently, social butterfly that I am.) It’s exciting to be caught up in the frenzy of it all, to text friends about it and discuss it to death. And now it’s over…however I do have the best text ever from my friend Nina (who agreed with me about the sexiness of Paul) to keep me sniggering until the next series: “Watching Paul spank his dough while I scoff giant chocolate buttons. Does life get any better than this?” No, darling, it doesn’t. His hands…
3) Work. As much as I hate my job sometimes and the fact that some of my colleagues drive me completely bonkers, it does actually bring me a great deal of satisfaction and in the main I enjoy it. I have brilliant colleagues too. Some of them would go in the friends category now. I was on nights on Monday and one of my closest colleagues had bought me a sheep mug as a housewarming present. She’s funny and sweet and kind and sarcastic…like most of my other friends. It’s nice to be surrounded by people you love in both of your lives. You spend so long at work that it’s so draining being with people that you don’t get along with. So when you really get along with them, that’s special.
4) Teachers (Channel 4 programme). This has been on in the background for the last two months, pretty much. If you’ve never watched it, it’s a great series about, well, teachers. It was made in 2001 so the soundtrack gives me a major nostalgic fuzzy; it’s *my* music, the music that I was listening to when I was growing up. It’s funny with surreal elements (usually a sheep somewhere) and juvenile humour, and also stars Raquel Cassidy, who is basically my perfect woman. I have been in love with her since Teachers and show no signs of stopping, she’s my longest running crush. I’m so besotted that I have even watched Do I Love You?, a truly awful film that my best friend got me just because RC was in it. We lost the will to live during it. Never watch it, ever. But Teachers is easy to watch, funny, and has major eye candy (for me). Here is one of my favourite scenes:
5) Carrying out my own life. I don’t know how to explain this…but being single has made me feel much more secure, which is weird in a way because there are some bits that make me more insecure but overall I feel better being alone, despite the crushing sadness I feel on and off when I think about what’s happened. I exist only for me, I make decisions based on what I want and what I feel is right and don’t have to compromise. I don’t have to worry about upsetting someone, about feeling controlled, about feeling tied down. It’s a new feeling and a really good one. This was a massively important step for me to take.
6) My room. My room is my sanctuary, I’ll probably talk about this way more at some point but it’s become a place of safety and refuge. In the same way as above it’s been freeing to be able to do whatever I want, however I want, with my own space. I love it so much. It’s so nice to have somewhere that I can just shut the door and feel safe. I guess you don’t really understand that if you’ve always had it, but I’ve never really had it. Not like this.
7) Autumn. I wrote a whole post about this but haven’t put it up yet, so I won’t ramble on about it now (much). Love it, even with all the dark and the rain and the cold. (I also just have to add, because it is an autumnal thing, that my stew just finished, almost 6 hours later, and it is AMAZING. Oh my god. Local free range beef, local bacon (all from the butcher), shallots, chantenay carrots, garlic, mushrooms, thyme, parsley and homemade chicken stock. If I could marry myself, I would. I am so chuffed right now.)
8) Autumnal music. There are certain albums I listen to around this time of year: Grace by Jeff Buckley, 5:55 by Charlotte Gainsbourg, Eingya by Helios, Agaetis Byrjun by Sigur Ros, and now The Suburbs by Arcade Fire. Cannot stop listening to that album. It’s eclipsed Funeral for me and I never thought that that would happen. The pace, the instrumentation…it’s all so perfect and fitting for now.
I will write more another day because I am so tired and I have another long day ahead of me at work…but it’s good to be writing again, even if it is brainsplurge.