Song for today: Smother by Daughter.

Feel wretched today.  Called in sick.  Felt sick and just…weighed down by everything.  Slept until 2pm, which is very unlike me.  Been having bad dreams the last few nights.  Nothing terrible, but everything has a sinister, jarring undertone that makes you feel like you don’t belong somehow, that the world’s all wrong, or that the world is ok but that you’re all wrong.  That’s how I feel today and nothing can right it.  I feel overwhelmed by everything and I don’t know why.  Nothing has changed, things are still good, I love where I live, I have good friends, both old and new, I love my family, I like my job, and I like myself.  This melancholia is how I used to feel, day after day, month after month, year after year, for years.  I don’t want to feel like this again.  I’m not all wrong, I’m ok…but today I feel like I just don’t fit and never will.  Hopefully it will pass soon.  It’s exhausting and frustrating.

This song is how I feel today.

I’m wasted, losing time
I’m a foolish, fragile spine
I want all that is not mine
I want him but we’re not right
In the darkness I will meet my creators
And they will all agree, that I’m a suffocator

I should go now quietly
For my bones have found a place to lie down and sleep
Where all my layers can become reeds
All my limbs can become trees
All my children can become me
What a mess I leave
To follow

In the darkness I will meet my creators
They will all agree, I’m a suffocator

Oh no
I’m sorry if I smothered you
I sometimes wish I’d stayed inside
My mother
Never to come out


Mishmash again.

Clicked on ‘new post’ but have no idea what to write.  Too many things to write about.  Not enough time.  Although saying that, I have procrastinated for a lot of the evening, instead of finishing my book club book (Cloud Atlas) or tidying my room, two of the things that are highest up on my to-do list.  I do, however, now have more recipes for baking (I am going to bake ALL THE THINGS for my friends’ joint 30th next Saturday) and also more of an understanding about the university forms I have sort of been ignoring for the past week or so.

Things I want to write about most of all: bikes, baking, Arcade Fire.  I guess I can write about all three relatively quickly.

BIKES.  I used to cycle all the time.  When I first met Nick, back in September 2009, I cycled everywhere.  To work and back, to town, back from clubbing (drunken cycling for the win!).  And then I got a new bike, and had a sort of torrid love affair, one of those where it’s omgamazing to start off with and you think you’re in love but you’re really not and you end up resenting it after a while because it’s too much effort and what seemed shiny and exciting to begin with is really a pile of bullshit.  Sabrina (my bike) is the same.  I had to take her to the bike shop so many times because the wheels go out of true SO easily (basically, they wobble and it’s scary) and she squeaks, and is just generally annoying.  And then I moved somewhere up a big hill and never cycled anymore, because despite the bike having loads of gears, I cannot cycle up hills.  When I went to Norway, though, in the summer, I cycled there, up loads of hills, and on a shit mountain bike.  So part of me blames Sabrina for not being able to cycle up the hills.

One of my BFFs has just got a new bike and it’s got me thinking about getting a new one.  Basically, for my entire life (almost) I have wanted a Dutch bike.  I know they’re heavy and clunky but they’re a) sexy, b) have actually useful things, like a chainguard and a coatguard and built in locks and lights, which are very cool, and c) the posture is nice.  So.  I am going to sell Sabrina and have a look around the local Dutch bike shop and see if there is one that I like.  For a start, in February I am going to be at Uni 9-5, Mon-Fri for 5 weeks, and there is no way I am walking, and a bus costs a tenner a week (no doubt more by then) so I could put that money towards a nice new bike.  And go cycling again, like it’s fun, rather than hating it.  Because hating it is crap, and it’s sad that it has to do with the bike, but it does.  RIP Daisy, the second hand Dawes that I got rid of to get Sabrina.  You were far superior, darling.  I just didn’t know it at the time.

BAKING.  I have become obsessed with baking.  And cooking.  But mostly baking.  It’s become massively therapeutic and, you know, it’s tasty.  Because I’m not that well-versed in the art of baking, and have next to no baking equipment, I have stuck to muffins, and the odd biscuit.  And YUM.  I am also going to make a chocolate torte for book club on Wednesday, and today I made bacon, cheddar and red onion savoury muffins.  They were nice but lacked a certain something.  Not sure what.  Next time maybe I’ll add some mustard powder.  The actual act of baking?  Soothing.  Meditative.  Relaxing.  I am going to make banoffee mini-muffins, chocolate torte squares, chocolate coconut squares, and biscuits for the party on Saturday.  This requires a whole DAY of baking.  Quite exciting.  Bit daunting, but it will be fun too!

ARCADE FIRE.  The Suburbs album has consumed most of my ears over October and November.  It has become my ‘being single’ album.  It’s melancholy and yet uplifting.  I absolutely love it.

“When I’m by myself, I can be myself, and my life is coming but I don’t know when.”

“Sometimes I can’t believe it, I’m movin’ past the feeling.”

“I would rather be wrong, than to live in the shadows of your song.”

“I have no feeling for you now, now that I know you better.”

“Now our lives are changing fast, hope that something pure can last.”

“It was the loneliest day of my life, you’re talking at me but I’m still far away.”

Two key songs:

October: Ready to Start

All the kids have always known
That the emperor wears no clothes
But they bow down to him anyway
Because it’s better than being alone
If I was scared
I would
And if I was bored
You know I would
And if I was yours
But I’m not

November: Empty Room

You were burning now you’re black and grey.
You were burning now you’re black and grey.
Something I would never say.
I’m alone again.

Both songs, like the album, have incredible rhythm and pacing…I listen to it when I’m walking to work and it complements this weather so well.  I’m so in love.  It’s one of those albums that just hits you and means something on a really fundamental level.  It’s mirrors a part of me that I didn’t even really know about until it brought it out.  I love how good art does that.

There we go!  Half an hour including interruptions.  Feel much better. No editing, so probably error-ridden.