Song for today: Smother by Daughter.

Feel wretched today.  Called in sick.  Felt sick and just…weighed down by everything.  Slept until 2pm, which is very unlike me.  Been having bad dreams the last few nights.  Nothing terrible, but everything has a sinister, jarring undertone that makes you feel like you don’t belong somehow, that the world’s all wrong, or that the world is ok but that you’re all wrong.  That’s how I feel today and nothing can right it.  I feel overwhelmed by everything and I don’t know why.  Nothing has changed, things are still good, I love where I live, I have good friends, both old and new, I love my family, I like my job, and I like myself.  This melancholia is how I used to feel, day after day, month after month, year after year, for years.  I don’t want to feel like this again.  I’m not all wrong, I’m ok…but today I feel like I just don’t fit and never will.  Hopefully it will pass soon.  It’s exhausting and frustrating.

This song is how I feel today.

I’m wasted, losing time
I’m a foolish, fragile spine
I want all that is not mine
I want him but we’re not right
In the darkness I will meet my creators
And they will all agree, that I’m a suffocator

I should go now quietly
For my bones have found a place to lie down and sleep
Where all my layers can become reeds
All my limbs can become trees
All my children can become me
What a mess I leave
To follow

In the darkness I will meet my creators
They will all agree, I’m a suffocator
Suffocator

Oh no
I’m sorry if I smothered you
I sometimes wish I’d stayed inside
My mother
Never to come out

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