I am procrastinating. I have been procrastinating all day. And most of yesterday. If there was an Olympic medal for procrastination, you bet I’d be up there competing for gold. I’ve spent so much time training for it that I am a frigging EXPERT.
While procrastinating the other day, I came across this. Holy mother of all things holy, this has described my procrastinating brain better than anything else EVER has done. It’s amazing. And the follow up post is amazing too, and is what I am trying to achieve right now, only I am not, because I’m procrastinating. I have SO MUCH to do, and I am not doing any of it. And it’s happening AGAIN and I am driving myself up the fucking wall.
I wish that I could just be normal and get things done but I’m not. I am a hopper, my mind goes from thing to thing to thing and I can’t concentrate and then it’s too late and I think, “I’ll start tomorrow”. Only, tomorrow has things happening too, so like sleep I end up not being able to catch up and then have a breakdown. I don’t want to be like this and I am getting help not to be like this but I am STILL like this. What the hell is wrong with me? It’s so fucking rubbish. I need, like, a minder. I need someone to sit down with me and be all like, “you can do this!”, like having my own personal cheerleader or something. Because something is wrong with me and I am sort of trying to fix it, but not hard enough, because I can’t stick with it for long enough, and then the shame spiral starts. ARGH! And I am sitting here writing this instead of going to see my boyfriend and being in a warm house and going through songs to play tomorrow, so that I don’t have to play the same bloody songs as last time and be a boring samey DJ, but I am just not bothered.
Maybe that’s it. I’m not bothered. I mean, I AM, but it’s buried under so much other stuff that I sort of can’t bring myself to care, and then when I do, I panic because it’s SO BIG. And I am trying to break it down but it’s hard when you’ve never done it. My mentor was asking me all these questions, like when do I study the best, how do I study, how do I read, what are the optimum study times for me, and I was like, DUDE. LOLWTF? I DON’T KNOW. I don’t know because I procrastinate like an Olympian until the task itself becomes so frantic that I end up staying up for unreasonable amounts of time being like some sort of mad genius and doing it ALL in the smallest amount of time possible. Haha, how do I study. LIKE A TORNADO IS HOW I STUDY. I read frantically, skimming and magically managing to pull out relevant quotes and apply them to what I am talking about. But that’s not good or healthy and I can’t do that forever, only I feel like I need someone with me all the time to help me do this. Like my life at the moment. I just want a parent, really, I feel incapable and incompetent and my toddler part is way bigger than my parent part, or my adult part. I’m three years old and I WANT CAKE and I don’t want to work. Only, you know, that’s not helpful, and I don’t want to go from being toddler to a adult in crisis, pulling a (most probably) substandard essay out of my arse with 26 minutes to spare because I’ve become addicted to Nurse Jackie and cheese toasties and can’t just pull myself together enough to be productive.
Only I’m not just a toddler, because if I were I probably wouldn’t be saddled with all this guilt and feeling like I should be doing these things instead of pissing about doing highly unimportant things. And because I’m pissing about, the most important things (the boring and scary ones) get dropped in favour of dinner with friends or catch ups over tea and cake, which are also essential, but I need to get balance, and that is something that I am not very good at. Sometimes I am, sometimes I am brilliant – but now is not one of those times, and I am scared and that is making me edge closer to my ostrich mask.
Damn it. If it’s not one thing, it’s another. (Mostly this, to be honest. It always comes back to this.) I am so sick of being like this and just wish I could be normal. If I could be normal then I wouldn’t need therapy anymore and right now I hate therapy. It’s a financial and emotional drain. And I don’t feel connected to her right now, which is scary too. I don’t know what’s switched but I feel irritated and judged and I’m not exactly sure why…but it doesn’t feel great at the moment. I wanted to run out earlier because I started to feel really uncomfortable and that doesn’t normally happen. I normally feel safe and right now I don’t, and that sucks. I just want to not go back, ever, but that’s not possible. I mean, it is, but I won’t do it. I can feel myself not wanting to go though, my timekeeping is getting worse and worse, and it’s spilling over into other things as well. Again – why can’t I just be normal? Fuck therapy for making me have to even think about this shit. I don’t know what’s changed, but something has, and I don’t like it. I hate feeling so irritated, like I’m bubbling away beneath the surface. I feel like something’s going on that I don’t know about, and that’s what I hate the most. Knowing that I’m probably about to explode and not knowing why, or what will come out. I keep feeling mad at her and not really being able to figure out why. Been there, done that, got the fucking t-shirt. My god, this is so boring now. Broken record. Feel something, don’t know why, have to figure it out (by PAYING SOMEONE TO HELP ME WITH IT), instead of just knowing like a normal person. THE FUCKING INJUSTICE ARGH. *stomps off to eat cake*