No, not the band. It’s 2:05 (am) and I am sitting here writing because I don’t know what else to do. I guess I could call The Samaritans but I don’t want to kill myself, I just don’t know how to carry on living like this. I don’t know how to escape this. I really want someone to just sit with me and tell me it will all be OK but it’s not going to be because it wasn’t OK and that’s why I’m here now, writing instead of sleeping.
I have an exam tomorrow (today) and I spent all evening practicing and feeling fine with it. It’s practical so there are steps to follow, I followed all of them well, I know what I’m doing. But as soon as my head hit the pillow, thoughts started pelting me with increasing ferocity. Do you put the sterile field under the arm before or after you take the dressing off? Stupid things like that. And so it goes, on and on, until it feels like I’m spinning away and there’s no chance of coming back. I tried to come back, I tried really hard, I tried to breathe, to concentrate on my breathing and to slow myself down but it didn’t work and all I can feel is darkness. I feel like I’m in a black hole and I don’t know how to get out. I keep frantically bouncing back from, “All this bad stuff happened…it’s really really bad. It’s not normal to live every single day in fear thinking that you’re going to die. Feeling that you have to save the world otherwise bad things will happen” to “Stop being such a fucking drama queen. Plenty of people had much worse happen, so what that this happened. Maybe it didn’t even happen how you remember it because everyone else is fine. It’s not a big deal. Stop making it a big deal”. It’s like a giant game of ping pong and I am the ball and I feel dizzy and disoriented and really, really sick.
Part of the reason that I feel sick is that I drank far too much alcohol last night. What was supposed to be a sedate night in with friends ended up being a raucous night in with friends…and it was one of the best nights I’ve ever had, until I started to realise that I had gone way, waaaaay too far with the drinking. I haven’t been that sick for a long time. I was sick for hours and felt so bad. I am not a good drinker at the best of times but last night was abysmal and I feel as though my stomach has gone through a mangle.
There is so much darkness though and obviously this hasn’t helped it. And the problem is that it always comes on stronger at night. When it’s dark. When there are no distractions, when there’s no escape. Sleep would be an escape I guess but I can’t sleep when it’s like this. When it’s black inside and out. Even earlier when I was trying to sleep but couldn’t because I was vomiting too often, I ended up being inside some sort of living nightmare. It was reminiscent of the time I had my gallbladder out and was on so much morphine that I would get stuck in this hallucinatory loop. I would have certain songs in my head and I couldn’t escape them. Lines or thoughts that would be stuck in my head going round and round like I was a washing machine. The same thing happened today and I just floated with all this bad stuff. I had a line from Human by Goldfrapp in my head, the same chillingly beautiful album that Utopia is on, just one line repeating itself over and over. I think I loved you more than me. It says so much in so few words.
Everything feels bad. It feels unsafe, so unsafe, and I feel like I can’t control it even though I’m trying. That’s why I’m writing it down, with the hope that I will be able to get at least a few hours of sleep and not fail my exam. If I fail I will deal with it but I don’t want to fail and I don’t deserve to. I also don’t know how I am supposed to carry on right now, with my course, with working, with anything. The darkness is enveloping me and I don’t know how to escape it, or even if I should.
The problem is that it comes on so strong and so concentrated, trying to kill me. So I try to fight back but that’s killing me too. I don’t know what to do for the best, I don’t know how to handle this, because I don’t know what it is. How stupid. I feel sick all the time, I have done even before I drank. Part of me wonders whether that’s why I got so drunk, it was completely unintentional but maybe a part of me wanted to just try and get every bit of bad out. Except of course that’s not going to happen. I feel rotten inside and that isn’t going to go away. It’s just not. Ever since Friday, fucking Friday the 13th, with all that happened, I just can’t escape this feeling. I keep trying to stop myself from feeling it but I can’t, really. I have to keep trying though because when I don’t I feel crazy, I feel properly crazy. It feels like too much to carry so I have to try and shove it off again. What if it devours me? What then? I can feel it devouring me. I don’t know how to cope. I don’t know how to do this. I don’t know how to acknowledge what is happening, what has happened, without either going crazy or feeling like I am just a stupid fucking lying dickhead who is making it all up for attention. I don’t know how to feel when sometimes it feels so real that I can’t breathe, and other times it feels like a dream, something that I conjured up. I don’t know how to stop denying it because when I stop denying it I feel like I am going to die and then I have to deny it some more because that’s the only way I can cope. And then I don’t know what’s real and what’s not.
I feel so broken. I feel like I will never be whole, like I can never be loveable. I have people who love me but I think they’re stupid. I think they’re stupid because they obviously don’t know what they are loving. I feel monstrous and yet so small. I just want to be taken away somewhere and for it all to be fine and that can’t happen and I feel wild when that realisation hits, like this is just it, I have to get on with it like it is now. This is it. This is me. There is nothing that I can do, there is nothing that anyone can do because it’s been done and I can’t change it. I want to change it and I want it not to be real and despite trying really hard to make it not be real it’s not working anymore and that’s all my fault too. Everything that was protecting me is eroding, and I’m the one that’s eroding it, I’m the one that’s making this happen. I feel like I’m going mad, properly mad, I feel like I’m living a nightmare and I want to wake up but I can’t because this is my life. I can’t wake up from it because I’m awake. This is it. Maybe that’s why I am trying (unconsciously) to sabotage everything good in my life right now, because that would be a distraction, it would put up more barriers to replace the ones that are crumbling, to erect some temporary walls to replace the ones that I’ve sledgehammered. How the fuck do I stop myself doing that though? I feel like I am in a total lose/lose situation, I lose either way but one way jeopardises everything that I love – my relationship, my career, my life. Maybe that’s better though. That would be a temporary darkness, instead of the endless black that lies beneath it, the one that’s spilling out and threatening to engulf everything. I can cope with chaos. I know chaos. I know the darkness too, but the darkness is enormous and too big to defeat, it’s a tsunami of everything, whereas chaos is sort of splintered and vaguely manageable.
It reminds me of Threads, so of course that’s why I had the urge to watch it last week, of course, it all makes sense now. I watched it on Friday night too, drawn to it, like I’m surrounded by Dementors trying to suck out my soul. It’s falling into place now, why I am back there, obsessing and connecting with dark stuff, the darkest. Because I embody dark, and so does Threads. You see everyone frantically trying to prepare for a nuclear attack, piling up duvets and furniture to try and protect themselves from a blast that will eventually kill them whatever happens, that will annihilate everything they know and love, that will change their worlds forever. It’s quite sweet, really. That’s why it’s so chilling to watch. You can see the futility in the chaos, but they can’t. It’s all just a distraction, really, isn’t it? To distract you from the reality, whether that reality is actually happening or just imagined, predicted. It’s an escape, a useless one, but an escape nonetheless. I’m escaping through chaos, like I’ve always done, but this time it’s not working and so I feel…I don’t know what I feel. I guess I feel like I’m dying. And I’m really scared because I don’t know what that actually means.