Song for today: Big My Secret by Michael Nyman.

I am exhausted and need to sleep in order to get up early tomorrow. I’ve had a really heavy few days and a couple of really intense therapy sessions, I managed to stay present tonight but on Friday barely could and it was a constant battle to do so, I kept almost flipping over and did so very briefly a few times. I don’t want to be there anymore, it’s not safe, and every single conscious part of me is having to fight against my unconscious to go. Even when I’m there I don’t feel safe, tonight I described feeling like a sausage that hadn’t been pricked, and later on like my arms were made out of hornets. Angry, buzzing.

Everything feels like an intense battle at the moment. Relentless, bloody, no winners. Everything feels a bit bleak and intensely sad. There are no words, really, for how I feel. So instead, a song which comes closest to it, really, at the moment. A piece of music I used to play a lot when I was younger. It popped into my head earlier and fits, somehow.

I just wish that it would get a little bit easier, and that I didn’t feel so smashed, so devastated, so fragmented, so disconnected. So alone.

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