I should go to bed but I need to get this down.
I am going through ‘classic’ stuff at the moment. Proper disintegration feelings, prompted, I think, by feeling secure. It all seems to come back to the core, the core of shame and hurt and anger and evil. Maybe not evil. But it feels like it. Really bad things. Like not letting me drink. Keeping me up all night. You know, preventing the most basic of needs from being fulfilled. What I need to keep me alive and sane. That core is like, NO! You can’t come in! And rejects all the good stuff. I am starting to internalise it, but I think it is SO threatening to that part of me. Which I am having real trouble trying to get my head around. Because right now, ‘I’ am like, DUDE! Get over it! I want nice things! But then later on, I guess I get it. Because then I am the rejecting part and I don’t recognise the other bit (me, as I am now). But how scary is that. I don’t like being different versions of me. I feel really mad.
I was reading about annihilation anxiety and what I got from it was that I can’t get let go of all this bad stuff because otherwise I am left with nothing, and obviously that is terrifying. My core was built from my volatile experiences as a child and therefore I am comprised of instability and chaos rather than security and butterflies and fucking rainbows. The bad overshadowed and overtook the good, and so I internalised that. But I cannot believe that and I cannot understand it. Firstly, nothing that bad happened. Secondly, I don’t want to be that person. I keep coming back to that. I don’t want to be that person and I am and I don’t want to be in text books and articles and fit diagnoses. I just want to be a normal person who lives a normal life and it feels like, no matter how hard I try, no matter how far I get, no matter how well I do, no matter how normal I become and how normal I feel, it doesn’t matter because I am ALWAYS there to fuck it up for myself, in one way or another, consciously (not anymore, thankfully) or unconsciously (the most frustrating thing of all because I can’t start to control it until it becomes conscious).
I just want to be a normal person who doesn’t spend their Sunday ridiculously sleep deprived, trying to force their own mouth open so that they can drink and not go into kidney failure, because another part of themselves is trying to force it shut and deny them basic nourishment. A normal person, who I was, a few days ago. It is amazing, this slippery slope. I described it as snakes and ladders, the other day. It feels like I have climbed so far and got almost to the top but now I am right back at the bottom. I got triggered and slithered right back to the start. I am so tired of all of this.